Balancing the Parenting Act

Having the opportunity to be a stay at home mom is a blessing, but a challenging blessing. I would not and could not imagine not being able to be home to witness the special and fleeting moments of when my child conquers a new developmental milestone, says something I had no idea they could, looks to me for praise when they are proud of something they built or created, and to see the wonder and joy in their eyes when they discover something new. Those are the times when I feel especially grateful, but there are plenty of times when I would love to have someone take my place so they could deal with the not so pleasant moments of untimely meltdowns, poop on the floor, non-stop sibling battles, and mess, after mess, after mess.

In many, but not all parenting relationships, the dad ends up being that person who has the ability to take over your role and for you to feel OK about it. That is a loaded statement because that would mean that your husband would have to be available during those episodes of insanity on the home front, but they can't be because they are busting their butts at work. Even with that knowledge, I find myself wishing and hoping too many times each day that my husband could appear and I could disappear. So there is a need whether valid or not, that the husband is incapable of fulfilling. Hence they are presented with a wife who understands and is so appreciative of the efforts they put in outside of the home, but can not really show it because they are maxed out, stressed out, and are in desperate need of their presence, a presence they can not provide.

The other component of this nonsense is that as a mom of young children, we develop ways of handling our children's needs. We have tried all the possibilities and we have learned the best way (at least we think so) to get certain tasks accomplished, whether it is getting them fed, cleaned, dressed, in the car seat or whatever, we feel confident that we will succeed at those tasks with the least amount of fuss. Dads do not get that opportunity to figure it out, but they try because we want them to and they want to, but most of the time it ends up being frustrating to witness because we as the moms would do it differently and we believe our efforts would have avoided the meltdown that WE now have to resolve.

Then the other component...for a long time I had difficulty letting go of the control that is necessary to be a mom. There were times where I would say I had to do something upstairs and end up watching a show on my bed as if I needed to sneak in a 15 minute break. I would feel guilty that I had left my husband to fend for himself as he tried to get our little guys to eat. I have heard other moms saying that they would say they had to use the bathroom and would sit in there with a magazine in an attempt to get that guilt free moment of peace. We have this voice in our heads telling us that it is our job and that going to the bathroom is acceptable of course, but reading a magazine is a luxury that we cannot prioritize.

I believe that guilt and misunderstandings plague our parenting relationships, two things have to be and can be changed by us, the moms. We are the mom, we expect everything from ourselves. Our job does not end until the kiddies are asleep. But is it fair to have the dad come home from work, take over and we say peace out? Not so much. So how do we achieve that balance where the mom can get some respite, the dad can gain confidence, and neither party feels like the weight of parenthood is all on their shoulders?

Firstly, I know I need to accept that I am on my own from 8:00 am to 6:00 pm on most weekdays. I preform much better as a mom when I know that relief is not coming. That last hour of the day without my husband is usually a nightmare because I am waiting for him to come and begin letting go of all my reserves for the behaviors of my hungry and tired boys. If I don't think about it and plow through, I am more successful at keeping it together. On those days when I do hold it together, my husband is welcomed by a calm smiling wife, not a harried angry wife because he was 10 minutes off from when I thought he was going to be home. Better for me, better for my husband.

Secondly, now that I have two kids, all I can tell myself is not only let him do it, but let him do it his way! It is good for him and good for the kids. They need their daddy and daddy needs to feel great about his role. The more confidence the dad has about his role, the more he will do.

And finally in attempt to achieve this balance, we need to free ourselves of unnecessary guilt and communicate! I put guilt on myself about everything. I am working on it and it will be in another entry, but guilt when it comes to letting our husbands do things we normally see as our jobs has to leave the premises. It only creates negativity, sometimes resentment and most definitely wastes energy.

Communication: I need to be more aware of my needs, what I want, what I expect, and what I need. I need to spend the time communicating these things to my husband. There have been so many times when I have gotten upset about something my husband did or did not do and he had no clue as to what I expected from him. Yes, sometimes we wish we did not have to tell him, he should just know or he should just do it, but if we can suck it up, accept that our husband's ultimate goal is to keep us happy, then why don't we just tell him what we what or need? It feels good to be able to say I need some alone time or I need help feeding the boys and to have it happen. Parenting little children is hard in so many ways, but it definitely seems easier when I feel like my husband and I are on the same page. It takes work, but it is worth it.