Limitations

My yoga instructor is amazing.  I don't get to yoga enough, but when I do, my yoga instructor, although she is super cooky and makes really funny comments all through out, she always sends me home with a short statement that resonates in my mind and helps me grow, change, and look at things a bit differently.  It's amazing and I am always so grateful.  Her statement this week was "approach your limitations with compassion".  

I've been reflecting on this since Wednesday night and so much has come to mind.  Compassion in regards to oneself sounds so peaceful, so wonderful...I, so it seems, do not have a lot of compassion for myself. My husband constantly reminds me..."give yourself some credit!"  I am, or at least have been in the past, so hard on myself mostly because I want to do so much and I usually can't do it all.  I have always wanted to do a lot, and still do, so when I think about limitation, frustration comes to mind rather than compassion.

Like I said, I want to do a lot, but more importantly, I want to be a lot to many people.  When I can't do what I want, I get frustrated. Yes, reading that statement sounds kind of childish, doesn't  it?  It's so true though.  We are all limited in a variety of ways, whether it is our job in the work place or at home, whether it is pregnancy or an injury, whether it is money or just our preferences, we are all limited by something that prevents us from doing something else that we would like to do.  I know this is true, yet I resist it. The thought of having compassion for these limitations sounds so nice and comforting to me.  One limitation that I have is that I am unable to see and/or keep up with my out of town friends and family.  I spend so much time trying to figure out when and where I can try to connect with these people and it frustrates me.  I think about it, I am sad about it, I am frustrated about it.   Because of so many different limitations, I cannot be near these certain people.  

Compassion in regards to this limitation seems to include an acceptance, a gratefulness, and a preservation of a significant amount of emotional energy.  If I could accept that I am limited because I do have two rambunctious boys who demand all of me almost all day, every day and at this time in my life it is going to be hard to be places, that would be compassionate.  If I could focus on what is on the other side of the limitation; the opportunities I am blessed with, although limiting, that would be compassionate. If I could use this energy to send loving and prayerful thoughts out to those I want to be with and can't, that would be compassionate.  Freeing myself of frustration and replacing it with compassion is a gift that I am going to try to give myself... starting now.  

EXHAUSTION

Exhaustion took on a new meaning the first time I had a child and then it took on a whole other meaning when I had my second child.  The more physically tired I feel, the more mentally and emotionally exhausted I feel. In my case, and maybe it's the same way for you too, when I am tired, life seems 100x harder than it actually is.  Situations that I normally can handle just fine, seem to be down right too difficult to cope with.

In my mind, when I am tired, everything seems to clump together and now I am not only trying to cope with the present moment, but all of a sudden, my mind is taking me to every seemingly stressful situation that I am anticipating to encounter in the not too distant future and now I am stressed about everything.  My husband calls it the snowball effect.  It starts out small, but in no time at all it's rolling down a hill, gaining speed, and by the time it hits me, it is a freaking snowman  :)  

I've been spending time trying to be more aware of what makes me tick in an attempt not to be so tick-able a.k.a moody.  I know that when I am tired, it is not the best time to have a loaded conversation or to talk about making future plans beyond what I have already mentally alloted energy towards.  However, in life, I can't necessarily push those things aside when I am tired, because the reality is, I am tired a lot.  Unfortunately, by the time my boys are asleep I am exhausted which happens to be the time when my husband and I finally have a chance to talk, plan, etc. 

What I am realizing more and more is that I spend a lot of energy resisting the idea of being exhausted on top of resisting the thought of doing certain things when I am tired.  For example, our dishwasher had been broken for months  (yes having a dishwasher is a luxury i am so grateful for, however...) and every night after cooking dinner I would first be thinking about how tired I felt and then I would spend time thinking about how the last thing I wanted to do was stand at the sink and wash dishes for however long it would take.  They wouldn't be fleeting thoughts, but rather they would play on repeat. The more I tried resisting them the more frustrated I would get and by the time I would be done with the dishes, I would be in such a bad mood. What a waste of energy! On the other hand, on the nights where I chose to sit down and take a break and recognize yes I am tired and yes I do not want to do the dishes, the dishes eventually got done and even though I was tired, I was not frustrated at the end of it and didn't waste that energy on thinking about it.  

To sum it up, what I seem to be learning is that it is OK to be exhausted, I need to just let it be what it is.  I strongly dislike carrying this cloud around with me, feeling and thinking about being exhausted.  I have decided that I need to begin coaching myself through some of these bad habits.  For some reason it comes easily to me when I run or  while I am working out.  If I am struggling at the end of a long run, I coach myself by saying: "It's ok to feel like this, you are not gonna die, you are almost done."  On the runs or during workouts where I am constantly looking at the clock or resisting the way I feel, they are, by far, much more difficult. There are too many times where I have let that exhausted state of mind take over and rule my mood, actions, and words.  I can't do that anymore, although I still do, I don't want to. 

For the times where I am so tired that all I want to do is scream or cry I will tell myself, It is OK!  It's OK to feel mad or frustrated and it's OK to be exhausted so there is no need to resist it.  In reality, as long as I am a mom, a wife, a friend, a daughter, an aunt, a sister, etc. I am sure I will continue to exhaust myself by doing as much as I can to make the people around me happy.  It just happens that motherhood is that much harder because your kids depend on you for so much and you can't give yourself the break you need.. so for the times when my children won't go to sleep and I am at my wits end whether it be at nap time or in the middle of the night, or when there is an hour of clean up left to do after an extremely long day, or when I don't sleep well, I just will remind myself that it's OK, I will and can get through this, and it's just a part of my life.  

 

Those reusable shopping bags need a washing!

This past month, research has come out stating that reusable shopping bags have not only been gaining popularity, but are also accumulating harmful bacteria. Who knew? It's been in the news, but I didn't hear about it until I was reading a Wegmans flyer that was sent to me in the mail. I am impressed that they included a whole blurb about the need to wash reusable shopping bags, of course while promoting their own bags, but regardless, kudos to Wegmans and thanks for the heads up.

Here is an article about it http://www.pennlive.com/news/patriotnews/index.ssf?/base/news/1279929305252500.xml&coll=1

Don't let this deter you from using those reusable bags. A little soap and warm water goes a long way. If you happen to be in the market for a new batch, I highly recommend Envirosax.

My sister got me a set for Christmas and that was by far my favorite and most practical gift.

They are super cute, they are lightweight, and they fold and roll up so they are easily and neatly stored where ever you like. They are different in that they are not bulky and they do not take up a ton of space. When folded they can be tossed into your purse or in your car door, so you never end up in line at the supermarket frustrated that you forgot your bags at home. Best of all, they are WASHABLE...washing directions are on each bag. They also fit a ton!

When to buy ORGANIC

It wasn't until I started feeding my son his first foods when I really became concerned about we were putting into our bodies. I was overwhelmed at first...Which foods should be organic? All, some, anything we could afford? I kind of just went with what was available until I learned about the Environmental Working Group (EWG) Dirty Dozen list which is listed above. This has been an extremely helpful tool for me when I shop for my produce. Sure organic foods can be more costly, but why not invest in our own health and the health of our young children? It may be one of the most important investments we could make.

Buying organic produce is not a trend, it is a necessity when it comes to the Dirty Dozen. I encourage you to print out or write down the Dirty Dozen list and bring it with you when you shop until you memorize it. If you have an I-Phone you can even download the Dirty Dozen and the Clean Fifteen App to your phone at www.foodnews.org

Recent research results about the harmful effects of pesticides on our health, particularly in children, is a motivating factor for me to feed my children organic produce. The latest research has found a link between pesticides consumption and ADHD. http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2010/05/17/adhd-pesticides-in-fruits_n_578366.html

If research is already proving links between pesticide consumption and ADHD, I am sure there will be more findings in the future that will disturb us and reinforce our efforts to feed our children and ourselves organic when we can.

Balancing the Parenting Act

Having the opportunity to be a stay at home mom is a blessing, but a challenging blessing. I would not and could not imagine not being able to be home to witness the special and fleeting moments of when my child conquers a new developmental milestone, says something I had no idea they could, looks to me for praise when they are proud of something they built or created, and to see the wonder and joy in their eyes when they discover something new. Those are the times when I feel especially grateful, but there are plenty of times when I would love to have someone take my place so they could deal with the not so pleasant moments of untimely meltdowns, poop on the floor, non-stop sibling battles, and mess, after mess, after mess.

In many, but not all parenting relationships, the dad ends up being that person who has the ability to take over your role and for you to feel OK about it. That is a loaded statement because that would mean that your husband would have to be available during those episodes of insanity on the home front, but they can't be because they are busting their butts at work. Even with that knowledge, I find myself wishing and hoping too many times each day that my husband could appear and I could disappear. So there is a need whether valid or not, that the husband is incapable of fulfilling. Hence they are presented with a wife who understands and is so appreciative of the efforts they put in outside of the home, but can not really show it because they are maxed out, stressed out, and are in desperate need of their presence, a presence they can not provide.

The other component of this nonsense is that as a mom of young children, we develop ways of handling our children's needs. We have tried all the possibilities and we have learned the best way (at least we think so) to get certain tasks accomplished, whether it is getting them fed, cleaned, dressed, in the car seat or whatever, we feel confident that we will succeed at those tasks with the least amount of fuss. Dads do not get that opportunity to figure it out, but they try because we want them to and they want to, but most of the time it ends up being frustrating to witness because we as the moms would do it differently and we believe our efforts would have avoided the meltdown that WE now have to resolve.

Then the other component...for a long time I had difficulty letting go of the control that is necessary to be a mom. There were times where I would say I had to do something upstairs and end up watching a show on my bed as if I needed to sneak in a 15 minute break. I would feel guilty that I had left my husband to fend for himself as he tried to get our little guys to eat. I have heard other moms saying that they would say they had to use the bathroom and would sit in there with a magazine in an attempt to get that guilt free moment of peace. We have this voice in our heads telling us that it is our job and that going to the bathroom is acceptable of course, but reading a magazine is a luxury that we cannot prioritize.

I believe that guilt and misunderstandings plague our parenting relationships, two things have to be and can be changed by us, the moms. We are the mom, we expect everything from ourselves. Our job does not end until the kiddies are asleep. But is it fair to have the dad come home from work, take over and we say peace out? Not so much. So how do we achieve that balance where the mom can get some respite, the dad can gain confidence, and neither party feels like the weight of parenthood is all on their shoulders?

Firstly, I know I need to accept that I am on my own from 8:00 am to 6:00 pm on most weekdays. I preform much better as a mom when I know that relief is not coming. That last hour of the day without my husband is usually a nightmare because I am waiting for him to come and begin letting go of all my reserves for the behaviors of my hungry and tired boys. If I don't think about it and plow through, I am more successful at keeping it together. On those days when I do hold it together, my husband is welcomed by a calm smiling wife, not a harried angry wife because he was 10 minutes off from when I thought he was going to be home. Better for me, better for my husband.

Secondly, now that I have two kids, all I can tell myself is not only let him do it, but let him do it his way! It is good for him and good for the kids. They need their daddy and daddy needs to feel great about his role. The more confidence the dad has about his role, the more he will do.

And finally in attempt to achieve this balance, we need to free ourselves of unnecessary guilt and communicate! I put guilt on myself about everything. I am working on it and it will be in another entry, but guilt when it comes to letting our husbands do things we normally see as our jobs has to leave the premises. It only creates negativity, sometimes resentment and most definitely wastes energy.

Communication: I need to be more aware of my needs, what I want, what I expect, and what I need. I need to spend the time communicating these things to my husband. There have been so many times when I have gotten upset about something my husband did or did not do and he had no clue as to what I expected from him. Yes, sometimes we wish we did not have to tell him, he should just know or he should just do it, but if we can suck it up, accept that our husband's ultimate goal is to keep us happy, then why don't we just tell him what we what or need? It feels good to be able to say I need some alone time or I need help feeding the boys and to have it happen. Parenting little children is hard in so many ways, but it definitely seems easier when I feel like my husband and I are on the same page. It takes work, but it is worth it.

Summer All Year Long?

I've found myself mourning the loss of summer as July quickly approaches its end. On one hand, I think how silly that is since we do still have over a month to enjoy the "summer mentality", but August is like walking down a quiet country road and then you take one turn and BAM! September begins and you are standing in Times Square. Although you enjoy what you see and the energy is exciting, you immediately begin to navigate your way through the hustle and bustle as people move in all different directions. September brings just that, a whole lot of hustle and a whole lot of bustle.
Regardless, the question remains, why do I dread the end summer so badly? Of course the bbq's out back and the trips to the beach are great, but what I love most about summer time is that it is a well known fact that summer = relaxation. Because of that universal voice (one that i HAVE TO listen to), I am so much more forgiving of myself in the summer time. Sure why not eat ice cream before lunch, it's summer! Ahh, the bathrooms don't need to be cleaned that badly, I'll get to it later... relax Beck, it's summer! Put your feet up as much as you can Beck, it's summer!

But in the back of head my, there is a ticking clock and it is telling me that this will all be over soon, so I better take it all in...hence this end of summer anxiety.

My goal is to try to take some of this summer mentality with me as the new schedules, the new routines, and the new demands on my time commence. Maybe, just maybe, then I won't fear the end of summer so badly. I'll still miss the weather and the outdoor fun, but in terms of being easier on myself and taking time to kick back, I'm gonna try to keep that "summer mentality" with me all year long.

DETACHMENT

So mentally, I have been in a funny place lately. Common themes continue to resurface as my mind tries to grab hold of them. One that has persisted over the last few weeks has been the idea that if we detach ourselves from the fruit of our actions, we will be more at peace with what we do in any given day, any given circumstance. I first encountered this theme while reading Eckhart Tolle's "A New Earth" and then I saw it again while reading Gretchen Rubin's "The Happiness Project" and to complete the tri-fecta, my yoga instructor's message last night was just that...be free of attachment to the fruit of your actions.

Now this can be applied to a variety of things, but I found myself applying it to how I constantly have expectations of how things will go and when they do not happen, I am literally thrown into a downward spiral of emotions. The worst part is that I am usually unaware that those expectations exist until i realize that what I wanted to happen did not happen and that is why I am feeling negative, impatient, frustrated.

If I can only develop a habit where I can comfort myself and say "It's OK Beck! you can try your best, but in the end what happens doesn't really matter." Hmm not sure if that is comfort or if that is throwing me on my head, but I do believe if that I can go through a given day, telling myself, "It's OK!" when my two year old has to walk around all morning with wet shorts because you forgot (in my mind I am saying "you should have")to pack a spare pair in case of a pee accident. Or "It's OK!" when I've slaved in the kitchen to have one or both of my boys throw their food on the floor and think it is so hysterical. Or if I can just say "It's OK because you've done your best and what happens happens."

I'll work on it!

Whataya Want From Me?

Running usually provides me with clarity of mind, which is one of the reasons why I love it so much. I think about things that I usually don't have time to think about. I don't control my train of thought, it just flows and bounces from one thing to the next. The other day, as I was pushing the double jogger up a steep hill, Adam Lambert's "whataya want from me" was playing on my ipod. Up until that day, I loved this song because it made me feel empowered and I sang the lyrics as if shouting them to everyone in the world really feeling "What the heck do you want from me? No really, what do you want from me? I can only do so much, I can only be so much, would everybody just stop please!"

However, as I struggled to push my 80 + lbs boys up the hill, I heard the lyric and I directed the question at myself, "Whataya want from me?" Right then and there I realized that I am the only one who really puts the pressure and expectations on myself and what do I expect from myself? Of course, I expect a whole lot. I've spent so much time resisting the feeling of other people wanting things from me, but i have slowly figured out, that it all comes down to what I want from myself. I can only do so much in a day, I can only be so much to so many people. I need to accept myself and the limitations that come along with being a mom.